Bakura Writes a Song
by Bob the Flying Monkey
Summary: A song parody/fanfiction thingy in which Bakura remixes "What Makes You Beautiful" to tell Marik his true feelings. Based off LittleKuriboh's portrayal of Bakura and Marik. Updated: Now there are many songs! Further Update: Now there is Thiefshipping and Deathshipping!
1. Bakura's Song

_Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! because I was still wetting the bed when it was released. Then again, that doesn't mean a lot for some people. _

**A/N: Yu-Gi-Oh! Because nothing appeals more to anime/manga fans than card games.**

* * *

Marik strolled into the dark, dusty building and immediately knew why Bakura had chosen it. Bakura had a knack for overtaking buildings only he could love, places ordinary people would give a wide berth. Therefore, he knew he should expect a private audience with Bakura.

"Fluffy," he called out when no one greeted him.

"Hello, Marik," Bakura said in his ear, and Marik jumped in surprise.

"Don't sneak up behind me. You know you startle me easily," Marik scolded, looking quite cross, "Why did you call me here, anyway? Was my apartment not good enough for you?"

"It wasn't secure enough for what I want to tell you. I needed to make absolutely sure we were alone."

"Bakura, are you going to kill me?"

Bakura frowned. "Don't be a twit. Of course I'm not going to kill you. If I wanted to, I would have done it a long time ago. I actually have something important to tell you."

"Is it about being evil, because I think the council –"

"Shut up and listen. Marik, you know how much I hate singing, right?"

"It's hard to forget since you tell everyone so much."

"And you know that if I did sing, whatever it was would be very important, right?"

"What are you getting at?"

"Right?" Bakura insisted.

"I suppose so. Why?"

"Just listen." Bakura pulled out a remote and clicked a button. Music hummed from the hidden speakers all around the room, and Marik recognized it instantly.

"OMR, Bakura! I didn't know you liked 'What Makes You Beautiful'."

"Normally I don't, but using an established tune makes it easier to get my point across. Sit down, will you." Bakura pushed Marik into a chair, cleared his throat, and began his song.

"_You're a duelist,  
Maybe the best,  
You summon Ra when you are half-undressed.  
You like to sing  
Like birds in spring;  
Your voice lights up my Millennium Ring._

_Everyone else on YouTube can see it,  
Everyone else but you._

_Marik, you light up my Ring like nobody else,  
The way you call me Fluffy gets me overwhelmed,  
But when I smile to myself it's not hard to tell.  
You don't know  
Oh oh,  
You don't know I'm gay for you.  
If only you saw what fangirls see,  
You'd understand why I want you so desperately.  
Right now the fans are watching and they can't believe  
You don't know  
Oh oh,  
You don't know I'm gay for you.  
Oh oh.  
Fangirls know I'm gay for you."_

Marik stared up at Bakura with shimmering eyes. "Fluffy, that was beautiful. I didn't know you could sing so well."

Bakura smirked, "Yes, well, I had my 15 minutes of fame in high school."

"Were you in a boy band?"

Bakura averted his eyes. "I'd rather not talk about it."

They sat in silence for a moment. Then Bakura said, "So… what do you think?"

"I think LittleKuriboh needs to turn this into a video."

"But what do you think about the song?"

"Oh. It was nice, but a little short."

"It was long enough to express the meaning," Bakura argued.

"What was the meaning?" Marik asked.

Bakura grimaced. "Seriously? Were you even listening?"

"Of course I was. I was just too distracted by your mesmerizing voice to actually pay attention to the lyrics."

Bakura threw his arms in the air and stomped away. "Why do I even bother?"

As soon as Bakura was gone, Marik pulled out a notebook. _"Dear Ishizu: Using your Millennium Necklace is cheating. The bet is canceled. Besides, I need the money for a date. PS: Can you help me write a song?"_

* * *

**A/N: Expect a sequal.**


	2. Marik's Song

_Disclaimer: Parody means I take a pair o' dese shows and mash them together to make you laugh. If I owned them, I would have used the original show to make you laugh. _

**A/N: And now you will understand the power of boredom on the American child. **

* * *

Bakura sat scowling at his computer screen as he did every day after a strenuous hour of playing a children's card game. He was painfully aware that Marik had come home when his eardrums were assaulted by the most horrible attempt at singing since Justin Bieber came out with "Baby". In fact, he hoped he never had to hear a Justin Bieber song again.

"Hey, Bakura!" Marik chimed as he slung himself over the Brit's shoulder. "What's that you're doing?"

"I'm trying to buy knives off eBay, but the stupid age limit laws in this country are messing up my purchases. I don't know why it's so important that I be a legal adult." Bakura clicked the mouse furiously, then slammed his fist on the keyboard.

"You know what you need?" Marik began.

"Knives. Lots and lots of knives."

"Don't be ridiculous, Fluffy. Knives won't calm you down. What you need is some music. Go to YouTube."

"I'd rather not," Bakura protested, exiting the browser. He began to shut down the computer, but Marik caught his hand, restrained him. "Marik, you really don't want to screw with me right now."

"You think you're so tough, but I could flip you like the harmless kitten you resemble so much."

"Marik," he growled.

Marik pushed him out of the chair and onto the floor, taking his seat at the computer. He pulled up YouTube, searched for his song, and clicked on the video he desired. He turned to Bakura who was glowering at him. "Fluffy, I know you hate it when I sing, but I got some help from my sister on this one."

Bakura frowned. "What do you mean?"

Marik pulled him off the floor and sat him down in the chair. He clicked play, and "Boyfriend" by Justin Bieber burst from the speakers.

"Sodding bloody ballocks," Bakura groaned.

"Bakura!"

"What? Most of the viewers are Americans, anyway."

"Shut up and listen. I worked hard on this."

On screen, Marik's voice began his song parody:

"_If I was your boyfriend, I'd play card games with you;  
I might summon a god card, but I would have to lose.  
Then I'd throw my cards down and leave without my shoes.  
But I would come back and play because you are who I choose.  
Ba-ku-ra, yes you.  
We'd sit in a tomb and eat tacos all night long,  
And plot world domination while writing lame songs.  
It would be fun because we know we belong._

_I'd like to trade every card you want,  
Bakura, I'm gay for you._

_If I was your boyfriend, play card games with you.  
I'd give you my Rod, boo, and my other rod too.  
I can beat Yugi Moto, anyone you want.  
If I was your boyfriend, I'd play card games with you, I'd play love games with you." _

Bakura paused the video. "Hey, it wasn't over yet," Marik protested, "There's still a good two minutes left."

"I don't care about the bloody song," Bakura said, standing up and knocking his chair over. He pressed his lips against Marik's lips. And then they sucked face.

* * *

**A/N: Kissing scene compliments of my boyfriend.**


	3. Story Of Two Guys

_Disclaimer: I am but a fan who misuses characters that don't belong to me in hopes of amusing other fans._

**A/N: I am taking preemptive measures to apologize for using the oldest joke in the book. A book which I shall later write a fanfic about.**

* * *

"Hey Bakura. Hey Bakura. Hey Bakura."

"What?" Bakura growled as he polished his Millennium Ring meticulously.

"Boomstick!" Marik cackled for a brief moment. "Get it? It sounds like broomstick, but then it explodes! Boomstick! Haha. Haha. Ahh, it's funny because you hate life."

"Marik, nothing you think is funny is ever funny. Now go duel Yugi in the street while I think up a clever strategy that will actually defeat him."

"But Bakura, we have a job to do," Marik protested.

"A job? Since when does anyone on this show actually work? Besides Kaiba, of course."

"Well, our readers want another chapter, and since you used to be in a band –"

"Marik," Bakura growled.

" –I thought you might want to write another song parody with me."

"I only wrote the first one because I was tired of your blatant ignorance of my feelings."

"So is that a 'no'?"

"That's a 'go sod yourself, readers.'"

"Bakura! The readers determine our fates and whether or not we live for another chapter. If you piss them all off, we'll never make it to the big screen. Because in the end, isn't that what really matters: how famous you are?"

"I don't care."

"Well of course you don't. But I do have something to offer you in return – payment, if you will."

"What could you possibly give me that would make me want to embarrass myself with another idiotic song parody?"

"I'll give you a hint: It starts with 'f' and ends with 'u-c-k'."

Bakura gave Marik his full attention. Marik smiled alluringly, "That's right, Bakura. A fire truck. Imagine all the chaos we could cause driving it down Main Street in 5 o'clock traffic. Dozens of cars displaced by our loud, obnoxious sirens, not to mention the seizures we could cause with the flashing lights."

Bakura began to protest, then sighed and surrendered, "Fine. I'll do your stupid song parody. But I'm not wasting time on screen composing it with you."

"Composing? No, we're going to make it up on the spot. I've already chosen the music. It's called "Absolutely" by Nine Days. I hope you know it."

"Fortunately for you, I do. Let's get it over with."

"Why, do you need a cat nap?"

"For the last time, I am not a kitty!"

The music began, and Marik took the first verse:

"_This is the story of two guys;  
I am the one who has purple eyes.  
And while Fluffy looks mad when I call him that,  
I absolutely love him  
When he's bad._

_Now how many cards in a deck  
Are normal monsters,  
And how many effect?  
Bakura, this song is a wreck.  
I've run out of words to make rhyme with this._  
[Bakura: "Finish the verse."]  
_As long as you take over next,  
And you do a better job than I did,  
The readers might not give us heck.  
I can go one more sec,  
Okay, I am done."_

They let Nine Days take the next section:

_Your clothes never wear as well the next day  
And your hair never falls in quite the same way  
You never seem to run out of things to say_

Then Bakura took over:

"_This is the second chorus change.  
My eyes aren't purple, but I am deranged.  
Yes I do get mad when Marik's a fool,  
But I really do love him  
When he's bad._

_Now how many lovers would stay  
With this stupid blonde  
Even if they were gay?  
I really don't know what to say.  
After this, I don't think I will get laid  
Unless I offer him good cards  
Or let him dress me up how he wants.  
I might just get lucky today  
Until I start up again with my evil taunts." _

Nine Days took over again for Second Chorus.

Marik snatched the microphone from Bakura and continued:

"_This is the story of a guy  
Who made his boyfriend mad, so he died.  
And while he thought his jokes amused the fans,  
My other half took over  
And killed him." _

"Um, Marik. Calm down. No need to bring Melvin into this."

"Oh, I know. It was simply a threat of what might happen if you get me too angry."

"That's fine, as long as he's not here."

"What do you want to do for the guitar solo?"

Bakura smirked mischievously. "I've got an idea." They promptly began making out. Hot passionate snogging so intense that they forgot about the song and the fact that their actions were being recorded by some chick with a laptop. But luckily, the writer became uncomfortable and decided to stop writing while the rating could still be classified as T.

* * *

**A/N: Now go to church - it's the best place to write fanfics.**


	4. Melvin's Song

_Disclaimer: Forgot to mention that I also don't own any of the songs parodied in this entire fic. Don't expect me to remind you again. PS: If you have sentimental feelings for this particular song, you are heavily advised not to read my parody of it. You have been warned._

**A/N: Per request I am including another member to sing for you. Please hide all knives and other items you wish not to be skewered with.**

* * *

The overwhelming stench of rotten meat was the first sign to Bakura that something was wrong. First of all, Marik was a vegetarian, so he didn't allow Bakura to eat steaks in the apartment. Secondly, Marik was a diva, so he had zero tolerance for disgusting smells. These two facts drove Bakura to grab the butcher knife from the counter when he heard shuffling in the bedroom. But of all the terrible monsters he'd suspected might have invaded his home, none came close to causing the horror that gripped him when he pushed open the door.

"Hello, Binky Boy. Nice of you to finally show up."

"Melvin! What are you doing here? I thought we banished you to the Shadow Realm."

"Foolish fool!" Melvin cried madly, "Haven't you learned by now that I cannot be contained by such a flimsy existence?"

"I guess I shouldn't assume anything with you."

"What's the matter, Bakura? You sound like you're not happy to see me."

"I'm ecstatic, I assure you. What did you do with Marik?"

"Oh, he's taking a nap. I only wanted a brief word with you, Binky Boy."

"I'm actually busy at the moment, but if you could leave a message –"

"Don't be a stiff. I've come a great distance for this moment, and I'm not leaving until you hear me out. Now sit down and make yourself comfortable." Bakura grudgingly took a seat on the edge of the bed while Melvin fiddled with a Karaoke machine. The music of "Somebody That I Used To Know" started playing. Then Melvin began:

"_Now and then I think of when I was the leader,  
Back then I was so happy when I made them die.  
Told Marik that you were wrong for him,  
But inside I craved your frightening grim.  
Bakura, that ache was a love I still remember._

_I got addicted to a certain kind of psychotic,  
Like an evil spirit with a grin, always a grin.  
So when I found that he thought you erotic,  
Well I told him you could just be friends,  
But of course you wouldn't let that crush be over._

_Still, you didn't have to cut me off,  
Make out with him like I couldn't see and I was nothing.  
And I don't even need your love.  
Just your body would appease me if you'd be so rough.  
No, you wouldn't have to stoop so low  
Whereas with my other half, you would have to take the blow.  
I guess with me you'd blow too, though.  
But I am somebody that will also blow."_

Just then, the Pharaoh burst into the apartment. "Oh no you don't. Mind Crush!"

Melvin cried out in agony and crumpled to the floor. Then Marik regained control of his body. He got to his feet uneasily and stared at the Pharaoh in confusion. "Why did you help me?"

"Listen, pal," the Pharaoh replied, "I might not be able to stop you or Bakura from hogging the attention, but I cannot allow _that_ lunatic to get more screen time than me. It's just pathetic; I mean, I have rights – the show is named after me!"

"Actually, it's named after me," Yugi objected.

"You are nothing without me. Nothing!" The two continued to argue.

Bakura nudged Marik. "What do you say to that dusty building from the first chapter?"

"I will give you my rod if you take me there now."

Bakura smirked, "And then I will give you mine." Thus said, they fled the apartment and the crazy duelist inside arguing with himself.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, those things you thought were innuendos were, in fact, innuendos. And since he's Melvin, I feel perfectly justified using them.**


	5. Filler Chapter: you knew it would happen

_Disclaimer: Why don't you read me when you read all the other italicized words in this story? Is it because I only ever talk about all the things I don't own, like Yu-Gi-Oh? I can change, baby. Give me another chance. Let me whisper sweet nothings into your ear… _

**A/N: I felt that the song explains itself entirely, so I decided it would tell the story.**

* * *

This is Marik and the Pharaoh's conversation after a private duel:

"We Are Young" by FUN.

Marik singing:

"_Give me a second, I  
I need to get all the facts straight:  
My friend is in your clutches  
Getting ready for the United States;  
My lover is waiting for me  
Unconscious in bed  
Dreaming about the Change of Heart monster  
Biting off my head;  
And I know I gave my promise months ago  
But I think I sort of forgot  
'Cause between the games and sexy things,  
The holes in our typologies,  
The reappearance of my evil half -  
Well, I think you get my point by now.  
Yes, I feel like passing out.  
I want to go home_

_Tonight  
You have won  
So I'll set your house on fire,  
Even use lighter  
Fluid, son._

_Tonight  
You have won  
So I'll set your house on fire,  
Even use lighter  
Fluid, son._

_Now I know that he's not  
All that you got.  
I've seen your deck.  
I just thought maybe you could find the mercy in your heart-  
If Bakura knew-  
I won't stand a chance.  
Just this once, would you let me take him home?_

_Tonight  
You have won  
So I'll set your house on fire,  
Even use lighter  
Fluid, son._

_Tonight  
You have won  
So I'll set your house on fire,  
Even use lighter  
Fluid, son._

_Let us go home tonight.  
Let me take him home tonight.  
Let us go home tonight.  
Let me take him home tonight."_

Pharaoh singing:

"_The fans are on my side,  
Tata, Marik, I must run.  
But if no one comes and carries you home tonight,  
If Bakura is an ass,  
And you must walk home alone,  
You will be too tired to burn my home_

_Tonight  
I have won  
So I'll set your friend on fire,  
And I'll use lighter  
Fluid, son._

_Tonight  
I have won  
So I'll set your friend on fire,  
And I'll use lighter  
Fluid, son._

_I know you had your fun together,  
And you feel you've lost a friend,  
But alas Marik, Ra's mine."_

* * *

**A/N: I will probably write an actual story next chapter. This is just filler because I'd feel guilty if I abandoned you for a week without at least something to mull over.**


	6. Not Too Late to Apologize

_Disclaimer: If I owned something, you would know because it wouldn't make any sense. Also, it wouldn't be famous because it would be too unnecessarily violent for kids' television._

**A/N: To make up for not updating sooner, I have included two songs for the price of one. The price didn't change, however, since this is and always will be free.**

* * *

It was dark in the apartment when Marik returned at 3 am, and so he expected Bakura to still be asleep. But when he pushed open the bedroom door, the shirtless Brit was standing cross-armed and gazing out the window. "Oh," Marik said, "You're up." He awkwardly stood in the doorway as he waited for Bakura to address him.

Bakura continued to stare out the window, the muscles on his back tensed and coiled like they were preparing to pounce. Finally, Bakura said, "The coldness of the empty bed awoke me about two hours ago. I thought you might've taken a walk or gone to pick on Odion, but then I noticed that your deck was missing and that the directions to Yugi Moto's house were pulled up on your computer."

"I can explain," Marik began, but Bakura suddenly took his deck from his hand and shuffled through it.

He pinched the bridge of his nose when he confirmed his suspicions. "Marik, why is Ra missing?"

Marik stared at his feet. "I might have maybe lost him in a duel against the Pharaoh."

Bakura waited for a few moments before responding. "I distinctly remember telling you not to challenge him until we had a fool-proof strategy. We were almost finished with the plan. Now he has Ra, and we have to start all over."

"Now Bakura, I know what you're thinking, but I gave it a lot of thought on my walk back home, and I came up with the perfect response to your anger. The only thing is that I had "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Brittney Spears stuck in my head, and I only know the first verse and chorus, so it turned out like this:

"_Oh no, Bakura,  
How was I supposed to know  
That he would take my god card?  
I know, Bakura,  
You told me I shouldn't go  
But listening is so hard.  
Tell me how I should kill Yugi  
And I'll do it even if I have to use the Steves."_

Bakura glared at him without a word, so Marik continued:

"_Your silent-ness is killing me  
And I  
I must confess, your voice makes me  
Tingle-y.  
When you're not talking, I lose my mind.  
Melvin's unkind!  
Save me from him one more time."_

"Didn't the Pharaoh banish him in the fourth chapter?" Bakura reminded.

"Oh. Perhaps, but it was pretty clever, right?" Marik grinned coaxingly.

Bakura turned his back and focused his attention on the computer. "I also had time to compose a few choice words for you while you were out with Yugi. I think you'll get the message rather quickly, but just in case you don't, I wrote an entire song." The speakers emitted the familiar tune of "Set Fire To the Rain" by Adele, and Bakura began to sing:

"_You let it fall, your guard  
And so the Pharaoh rose to claim him.  
Ra was gone when it was over,  
So you walked back home alone to tell me._

_My will is strong  
But my patience is too weak  
To put up with this,  
So you better hit the street._

_Yes, there's a side to me  
That you'll have to see, have to see  
When we go back out  
To fix this quickly, this quickly,  
So you best not pout;  
I might just kill you if you do._

_So I'll set fire to his brain -  
Watch it ooze as I lick your face -  
It will burn and he'll die,  
But first Yugi will scream out your name, your name._

_Then I'll take back Ra  
While he lays there  
And he cries.  
Then I'll put you in bed,  
Erase this from your head,  
Let you dream instead._

_Cause there's a side of me  
That you'll never see, never see  
After you forget,  
Have no memory, memory.  
Yes, that game you did  
Will be null quickly, null quickly._

_When I set fire to his brain -  
Watch it ooze as I lick your face -  
It will burn and he'll die,  
But first Yugi will scream out your name, your name._

_I'll set fire to his brain  
And I will watch him writhe in pain,  
Then I'll watch Yugi die  
Cause I knew you would lose it that time, one last time._

_Then when you wake up in the morn,  
You won't remember this night anymore.  
No, you'll remember a dream about corn  
Or with me and you and Zorc making porn._

_I'll set fire to his brain -  
Watch it ooze as I lick your face -  
It will burn and he'll die,  
But first Yugi will scream out your name, your name._

_I'll set fire to his brain  
And I will watch him writhe in pain,  
Then I'll watch Yugi die  
Cause I knew you would lose it that time, one last time."_

Marik gaped at Bakura, stunned speechless. Bakura smirked, "So now you know, Marik, that I am truly evil."

Marik closed his mouth and shook his head. "I'm baffled by your beautiful voice. Ra, Bakura, why didn't you tell me you could sing?"

Bakura rolled his eyes, then grabbed Marik's wrist and dragged him outside. "Honestly, Marik, why do I even bother telling you my plans. I think you only love me for my voice."

"Is that not a good enough reason?" Marik joked. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Oh, I just need to pick up a card from the game shop."

* * *

**A/N: I apologize for any mental scarring that may occur from Bakura's violent song. I had to withhold the fun side of my personality for an entire week, so it kind of spilled out into his song.**


	7. To Save an EGC

_Disclaimer: Look at your cards. Now back to me. Now at your cards. Now back to me. If the ATK/DEF of your monsters end in 0, then I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! Clearly I would have made them all odd because it would be truly evil. Try calculating damage with odd numbers and you'll see what I mean. _

**A/N: Alright, fans, if you wish for this story to continue, you must suggest popular songs for me to parody since I am a hermit and don't know what the kids like these days. **

* * *

After intentionally losing Marik at Kaibaland, Bakura quickly made his escape to Yugi's house to sort out some rather irritating business. The bell over the door of the game shop announced his arrival, and Yugi's grandpa looked up from his issue of _DUEL JEWELS_ Magazine. He smiled obliviously and called up the stairs to his descendent, "Yugi, your British friend is here to see you. Hurry down so you can defend me in case he tries to seriously injure me like the rest of your sketchy friends have."

"Grandpa, I don't have a British friend," Yugi called back as he ran into the room, tugging his too-tight leather pants on. "Oh, it's just Bakura. Wait, are you evil Bakura or good Bakura?"

Bakura crossed his arms and replied, "Take a wild guess."

Yugi rolled his eyes, then suddenly was engulfed in a tangled mess of neon vapor-ribbons. When the theatrics dispersed, a taller, handsomer Yugi reappeared. The Pharaoh smirked smugly at Bakura, "To what do I owe the pleasure, Bakura?"

Bakura frowned. "Cut the crap, Pharaoh. You know why I'm here, and you know how to make me go away."

The Pharaoh nodded, grabbing his deck. "If it's a duel you want, I accept."

"I don't have time for your stupid games. Just give me the card, and I might postpone killing you."

From the back room, Joey's voice called out, "Hey, Yug. Hurry up with the popcorn, or you'll miss the reciting of the rules."

Bakura smirked. "Ah, perfect. More victims for the convincing."

"Leave my friends out of this," the Pharaoh warned.

"Oh, are you getting angry? You're getting angry at me? Listen, Pharaoh, I'm the only one with the right to be angry." Bakura pulled out a remote, clicked a button, and the music to "Chemicals React" by Aly and Aj started playing. Bakura sang:

"_You make me come out of my apartment.  
You just had to invoke my wrath.  
Should have known I wouldn't allow it,  
But you needed a laugh._

_It's over, hand me Ra  
Or I will kill you all.  
No, don't get me started,  
This is a pardon.  
This is your last chance  
'Fore I make your guts dance.  
Yeah  
No, your friends will not survive,  
Nor will I leave you alive.  
Simple as that,  
The psychopaths react  
And I'm a psychopath._

_Would you have me kill Tea or Tristan,  
Or would Joey himself suffice?  
No, I don't think you understand yet.  
Is Ra worth this sacrifice?_

_You cannot deny  
The lust in my eyes  
For you pests to die._

_It's over, hand me Ra  
Or I will kill you all.  
No, don't get me started.  
Don't act retarded.  
This is your last chance  
'Fore I make your guts dance.  
Yeah  
No, your friends will not survive,  
Cannot ever be revived,  
When I react,  
And your head will be cracked  
Cuz I'm a psychopath._

_A raging fire working  
Wonders in your small brain,  
Raising thunder  
As your skull implodes for me.  
You have to choose it (Before I lose it)._

_It's over, hand me Ra  
Or I will kill you all.  
No, don't get me started,  
This is a pardon.  
This is your last chance  
'Fore I make your guts dance.  
Yeah_

_Can't live,  
Can't love,  
Just hurt,  
Just fall.  
I'm right,  
You're wrong.  
You're weak,  
I'm strong.  
I came for Ra._

_And I will not leave this place  
If I have to melt your face  
To get Ra back  
And get Marik in the sack,  
To get Ra back  
Get Marik in the sack,  
Get Marik in the sack." _

The Pharaoh clapped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh Ra, the mental images! Alright, take your stupid card back; just quit talking about your sex life." He handed the Egyptian god card to Bakura and fled to the back room.

Bakura smirked and stalked calmly out of the game shop. He held up his Millennium Ring as it began to glow and point. "Alright," he said to himself, "Let's go find Marik."

* * *

**A/N: Turns out the cure for writer's block is sitting in your car for an hour waiting to get shots for your animals. On an unrelated note, Sharpie's weakness is cow pee. Don't ask.**


	8. Little Bakura Marik

_Disclaimer: Okay, you got me. I do own it, but only on days that end in 'K'. On all the other days, however, I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. _

**A/N: Shout out time! Shout out to Zekione, who has been extremely helpful with suggesting songs to parody. Shout out to my reviewers: TheAverIn, FangirlGasp, Emelinee Baconinee Tortalinee, Miss Macabre Grey, Dreamnorn, fan of this fic, Etsuko An, zerosmelody5, and that Guest reviewer. Shout out to my followers: , FanGirl16, AiKo-Chan15, JarOfStars, Bow to me Fools BOW I SAY, Raspberry 14, and the other 4 already mentioned. Shout out to those who favorite'd this story: kitameguire, Puppypaws4, princessamina 223, Mirria1, and the 7 others who were already mentioned. And Shout out to those who read this story but refuse to admit it. I appreciate all of you.**

* * *

"Bakura," Marik began as they sat together in the apartment one afternoon, "Out of curiosity and lack of a more interesting conversation starter, what are your life ambitions?"

Bakura casually picked his nails with a Bowie knife as he ruminated on the question. "I suppose collecting all of the Millennium Items is at the top."

"Yes, but besides the obvious," Marik pressed, "Isn't there something more meaningful you might like to do?"

"Beat the Pharaoh at a children's card game."

"Forget duel monsters for a moment and think outside the parameters of your character. I want to know your long-term goals."

"Ra, Marik, I don't know. What does a duelist do besides eat, sleep, and breathe card games?"

"What about kids, Bakura?"

"What about them?"

"Well," Marik hedged, "Wouldn't you like to have a couple?"

Bakura stared at Marik. "You're joking, right? What the bloody hell would I do with a kid?"

"Don't get snippy with me, Fluffy. It was just a thought."

"Honestly, Marik. Of all the dumb things you've said in your life, this is by far the most idiotic. I'm fairly sure there's a law against people like me having kids."

Marik crossed his arms and stalked into the kitchen. Bakura sat in his chair for a minute more, then groaned and followed Marik into the kitchen. He leaned against the doorframe and watched Marik violently chop a carrot to death with the cleaver. "Alright, Diva, what is this about?"

"I just wanted to talk about something is all," Marik replied dismissively, not meeting his eyes.

"You're a terrible liar, you know. Do you seriously want kids?"

Marik laid down the knife. "I don't know, Bakura. I just had this thought while you were out rescuing Ra from the Pharaoh. I actually had the time to write a song parody about it."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Here we go again."

Marik skipped into the bedroom and clicked on his music player. "Call Me Maybe" began playing, and Marik started singing:

"_You saved me from my bad half,  
Then we made Concrete Giraffes.  
Your faux fury makes me laugh.  
There is so much to say._

_Bakura, when you're with me,  
The future's not hard to see.  
I think that we're meant to be.  
There's still so much to say._

_Your motive's hazy,  
But you might amaze me,  
And although it's crazy,  
I think we could have a baby._

_Hey, I am evil,  
And you are crazy.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's test-tube baby._

_We're hot to look at;  
Let's not waste it.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's cut and paste it._

_Hey, I am evil,  
And you are crazy.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's test-tube baby._

_And all the other fans  
Feminize me,  
But not this Monkey;  
She won't 'surprise' me._

_Just take your time to answer.  
For a time limit, ask her.  
Or maybe see the doctor  
Since he'll know what to say._

_Don't worry about logic,  
We are in a fanfic.  
Whatever you choose, you must stick  
With the words you say._

_Your motive's hazy,  
But you might amaze me,  
And although it's crazy,  
I think we could have a baby._

_Hey, I am evil,  
And you are crazy.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's test-tube baby._

_We're hot to look at;  
Let's not waste it.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's cut and paste it._

_Hey, I am evil,  
And you are crazy.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's test-tube baby._

_And all the other fans  
Feminize me,  
But not this Monkey;  
She won't 'surprise' me._

_Before you came into my life,  
I hated all dads  
I hated all dads  
I hated every dad._

_But since you came into my life,  
I will be a dad.  
And you should know that  
I want to be a dad._

_We're hot to look at;  
Let's not waste it.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's cut and paste it._

_Hey, I am evil,  
And you are crazy.  
Forget adoption.  
Let's test-tube baby._

_And all the other fans  
Feminize me,  
But not this Monkey;  
She won't 'surprise' me._

_Before you came into my life,  
I hated all dads  
I hated all dads  
I hated every dad._

_But since you came into my life,  
I will be a dad.  
And you should know that._

_Let's have a baby." _

"Please let that be the end of the song," Bakura begged.

Marik crossed his arms in indignation. "Bakura, this is serious. I really think we should have a test tube baby."

"You still need a woman to make one. And we can't both be the father. What do you expect them to do – splice our –"

"Bakura, I already told you not to worry about it. This is a fanfic, so the laws of science don't apply here. It is perfectly acceptable for two guys to culture a baby without a woman in the mix, and the child will come out with characteristics of both. I've read_ Deviantart_ comics where it happened. In fact, you were in one of them."

"But a baby is still a big responsibility. We're not even legal adults yet. Don't you want to explore the world before you get tied down by drooling, snot-nosed brats?"

"I've already done that. I'm ready to settle down."

Bakura rolled his eyes back into his head, searching desperately for something that would convince Marik he was wrong, when suddenly it hit him. "Alright, Marik, I'll have a baby with you."

"You will?" he squeaked in joy.

"Yes, but on one condition: you have to give up your motorcycle. I can't have the father of my children risking serious injury and being a bad role model for the kids."

Marik squinted at the deal in distaste. "No motorcycle? But why?"

"Like I said, you have to be a good role model for the children. Motorcycles are dangerous, and they cause moral corruption. Don't you want our kids to be good and safe?"

Marik grimaced. "On second thought, let's not have a baby, at least for another ten years."

"Are you sure? I heard Toyota's having a sale on minivans."

"Oh, for Ra's sake, I don't want to have kids, Bakura! Can't you think of my needs?"

Bakura smirked, crunched noisily on the end of a carrot. "As you wish, Diva."

* * *

**A/N: I regret nothing! This idea came to me in the shower, which is proof that I need to clean my tub.**


	9. Deathshipping

_Disclaimer: I've had it with these Marik-Bakura rights on this Marik-Bakura spoof! _

**A/N: I'm giving you a fair warning: things are about to get freaky. If you are easily disgusted, skip this chapter. This goes out to my one fan who asked me for lemon. You know who you are.**

* * *

Bakura was utterly bored because Marik had cancelled their plans to go shopping with the only female Steve they knew, and since he absolutely abhorred the sound of women enjoying themselves, he decided to stay home and catch up on his YouTube shows. But as the hours dwindled away, he ran out of things to watch, and so he lowered himself to do something he knew he would regret – watch the "Boyfriend" parody video Marik had made him. He listened to the first verse and chorus with mild nostalgia. But when the second verse started, he remembered that he'd never finished the song, and perked up to listen.

On the video, Marik sang:

"_Tell me what you like, do you like roll-playing?  
I could be your master, could do what you're saying.  
You could be my doctor, or I could be your nurse.  
Or you could be an evil spirit under a curse.  
Mmmm  
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend  
If you are one of those guys who likes to genderbend.  
It all depends; do you like to pretend?  
I could be the princess that you have to defend.  
Fluffy." _

Bakura paused the video and exited the browser as he heard the door being unlocked. Marik burst in and called out, "Bakura, come help me carry my bags in."

When they had all the bags inside, Bakura locked the apartment door and turned to his lover. "Marik, I got bored and decided to listen to that song you wrote me a few weeks ago, and I realized that I hadn't heard the whole thing before."

Marik flashed him a smile. "Did you like it?"

"See, I didn't get to finish it, but there was something about the second verse –" the phone started ringing, interrupting Bakura. Irritated, he picked it up and answered, "What?"

Ishizu's voice replied, "Don't say anything else about the song. Just drop the subject and talk about something else. Nothing good can come of this."

"You should have thought about that before you helped him," Bakura sneered, then hung up and turned the phone off.

"Who was that, Bakura?" Marik asked.

"Just a business call. Anyway, I was saying about the song; you said something in the second verse about roll-playing. I didn't know you were into that kind of thing."

Marik blushed. "I haven't tried it personally, but I think it could be… entertaining."

"What do you say we give it a go?" Bakura continued, flipping the lights off.

"Now? Who would we be?"

Bakura shrugged. "I don't care. It's your song – you must have had some idea when you wrote it."

"Yes, but… I mean, it's a bit embarrassing."

"It's roll-playing. The fact that I'm agreeing to it should tell you I'm not easily embarrassed."

"Well, it's just… I mean, you might get mad."

"Why? Who do you want to be?"

"It's not me I'm choosing – it's you. You promise not to get angry?"

"No," Bakura replied matter-of-factly.

Marik looked at his shoes. "I want to call you Ryou."

Bakura scowled. "As in my other half?"

Marik nodded. "But you could call me anything you wanted to."

"Oh, with that choice, I certainly will. I think I'll pretend you are Melvin."

"Melvin!" Marik exclaimed, "No way!"

"Then forget it." Bakura switched the light back on, but Marik flipped it off again.

Marik sighed, "Alright, fine. I'll be Melvin, and you be Ryou."

"In that case," Bakura began, patting down his enormous hair so that he resembled his Hikari more, "I should put on a sweater vest. That way I can be perfect for you, my psychotic sweetheart."

"You do his voice so well. Let me see if I can imitate Melvin believably." Marik cleared his throat, screwed up his hair, and tried out his Melvin impression, "Ah, Bakura. I was hoping you would be dead the next time I saw you."

"But I'm not Bakura. I'm Ryou, for I am far too sweet and innocent to go by that name. Would you like to get a snow cone with me? I'll pay."

"Snow cone? Screw your snow cones! There's something else I'd rather get, and you're trying to keep it from me."

"I would never keep anything from you, dear Melvin. I'm too nice for that. I will give you everything you want if you will be my friend."

Marik smirked. "Get on the bed, Binky Boy, and I'll show you what I want." He pushed Bakura onto his back and began removing his shirt. But when he removed the Millennium Ring from his neck, the control of the body legitimately shifted to Ryou, who squeaked in terror and darted across the bed into the corner. This unexpected change of plans set off Marik, who then transformed into Melvin.

"I'm free!" Melvin cackled madly.

"Who are you?" Ryou squeaked as he huddled in the corner.

Melvin returned his attention to the frightened boy, and an evil grin spread across his face. "Why, I'm your boyfriend. Don't you remember? I wrote you a song."

"A song? No one's ever written me a song before. How does it go?" Ryou began to uncoil, but remained on the floor.

Melvin sat down in front of him and clicked on the Karaoke machine under the desk. "Jizz In My Pants" started playing, and Melvin began to sing:

"_Lock eyes from across the Realm  
Pick up the camera, roll the film  
Somehow I just know your name  
Yours is a face I will not maim  
Make my way through my Hikari  
Suppress your Yami, I won't be sorry  
Move in close as the god cards fly  
Our bodies touch, we're no longer shy  
Leave this place, go back to theirs  
Forget our twins, nobody cares  
I'll make you comfy in the bed  
And leave all the rest of the words unsaid  
Then I'll  
Remove my pants." _

"That's a lovely song, but I couldn't hear what you said half the time," Ryou said.

"I basically said I 'love' you," Melvin replied, clicking off the machine.

"You love me? You must be my boyfriend. I suppose if you love me, I can trust you," Ryou reasoned.

Melvin took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Of course you can trust me. Now let's get back to what we were doing before you freaked out on me." Melvin sat him down on the bed and straddled his lap, removing his own top. He began to kiss him, and Ryou kissed back. In fact, he was surprisingly good at it, and rolled over so that he was on top of Melvin, becoming the leader.

Ryou held down both of Melvin's arms, and demanded in a giddy voice, "Beg for my kisses, and perhaps I shall be merciful with you."

"Florence, I had no idea you could be this forceful."

"Florence?" Ryou sat up as confusion invaded his countenance. He gripped his head and groaned, "Not again!" But despite his pleas, Bakura took back the control of the body. When he took in the scene, he rolled off the bed and onto his feet, demanding, "Melvin, how did you escape the Shadow Realm?"

"Your Hikari brought me back. He is a beautiful creature, Binky Boy. You should let him out to play more."

Bakura growled, "Give me my Marik back."

"Not until you agree to let me and Ryou have partial control of the bodies."

"Why would I do that?"

"You don't have to. I know how to overpower your consciences myself, but I thought we could be civil for once, Florence." Melvin rose to his feet, overshadowing the other boy by several inches, hair not included.

"Maybe we should make a deal with him," Marik suggested through his astro-projection technique, "I mean, it's only fair that we share the bodies equally. Besides, think of all the mischief we could plot in our unconscious consciences."

"But we couldn't live our whole lives with the four of us sharing two bodies," Bakura objected.

"I know a guy who knows a spell to separate bodies," Melvin offered, "I've seen him do it before."

"That's a ridiculous tale. I don't believe you," Bakura replied.

"But it's true, Fluffy," Marik said, "I saw it, too. In fact, I'm the one who introduced Melvin to him."

Bakura crossed his arms. "How do we get to this guy you know?"

Melvin grinned. "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of everything."

* * *

**A/N: And now you have something to look forward to in the next chapter.**


	10. Ryou's Lullaby

_Disclaimer: Changes in sights apparently aren't synonymous with changes in rights. I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, so I went on vacation for nothing._

**A/N: Here, I wrote you a song. Plain White Tees wrote you the music.**

* * *

The plane ride to Southern Egypt would have been unbearable for Bakura, which was why he agreed to give Ryou control of the body while he nestled into his Ring with Marik and made vague plots to dismember the Pharaoh while he swam at the Panama City beach. Ryou, however, was having no problem with boredom since Melvin was sitting in the seat next to him, unbuckled and unrestrained. Ryou huddled in the window seat with his huge, oval eyes glued to Melvin in a mix of terror and fascination.

"Relax, Binky Boy," Melvin commanded, pulling Ryou into his lap and caging him in his arms like an overbearing safety harness. "We'll be in my native land soon enough, and then you'll get your body back, and I'll finally be free of the whiney diva inside me."

"Um, okay," Ryou said softly, unfurling just enough that Melvin lessened his grip on him to that of a ball python rather than a boa constrictor. Melvin nuzzled his cheek affectionately, and Ryou curled his fingers into fists, but relaxed his back as well. "Melvin, could you remind me how we became boyfriends?"

"Of course, Starry-Hikari. I have the whole story right here on my MP3 player." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a music player and offered one of the ear-buds to Ryou, then placed the other in his own ear. He scrolled though his playlist until he came upon a song titled "Hey There Delilah [Melvin Rendition]". Melvin's voice rang from the speakers:

"_Hey there Bakura, what's it like in Domino City?  
I'm a thousand miles away,  
And Egypt's cold without my kitty, yes that's you.  
You are my kitty, sweet Ryou; I swear it's true._

_Hey there Bakura, don't you worry about remembrance.  
I wrote you this brilliant song, if you forget you can just listen  
And you'll know, this song's about how far my love goes.  
You are my beau._

_This is what makes you love me  
This is what makes you love me  
This is what makes you love me  
This is what makes you love me  
What makes you love me_

_Hey there Bakura, I met you inside a blimp.  
Your evil half was fighting Yugi and gave you a nasty limp.  
You were quite ill, but I fell in love with you still.  
Ry, that takes skill._

_Hey there Bakura, I didn't know what to say.  
You were unconscious until your open eyes took my breath away,  
And I was done; I knew then that you must be the one,  
My morning sun._

_This is what makes you love me  
This is what makes you love me  
This is what makes you love me  
This is what makes you love me_

_A thousand miles seems really far,  
But if you look up at our star  
That we picked out together that very night,  
You will remember all the times  
That we laughed at these sappy rhymes  
And kissed and said it would all be alright._

_Bakura, I can promise you  
That by the time that you get to  
The end, you will remember everything.  
I'm not lying._

_Hey there Bakura, I hope you know that I miss you.  
Every time I listen to this song, I wish that I could kiss you,  
Yes I do. Each shooting star, I wish for you.  
We could do whatever we want to.  
Hey there Bakura, this part's true:  
Mel loves Ryou._

_This is what makes me love you  
This is what makes me love you  
This is what makes me love you  
This is what makes me love you  
What makes me love you." _

When the song ended, Ryou pulled his face out of Melvin's soaked shirt and wiped at his eyes. He leaned forward and kissed Melvin timidly, then blushed and hid his face back in his shirt. Melvin petted his fluffy head and nuzzled him, letting his little love have the time he needed to readjust while he basked in the ecstasy Ryou's presence gave him.

Inside the Ring, Marik looked at Bakura in puzzlement, and said, "I suddenly don't feel the urge to kill my family."

* * *

**A/N: Now go take a shower and sing your favorite song.**


	11. Happily Never After

_Disclaimer: Three cheers for animation! Now read this story I don't own the rights to._

**A/N: The End! Oh, wait, sorry. I jumped the gun a bit. So here's the eleventh chapter of an amazing story, if I do say so herself. Please enjoy this psychotic use of my study time!**

* * *

The grains of endless sand pelted against the faces of the two boys standing outside the airport at the only available phone booth for miles.

Marik wrinkled his nose in distaste. "This phone smells like urine! Egypt has certainly gone downhill since I used to be enslaved here. Bakura, I need a drachma to make this call."

"A drachma? Why the bloody hell would you need one of those? This is Egypt, not Greece. Don't you know your own country from any other?"

"The call is long distance, hair-brain. It can only be made through the payment of one drachma."

"I don't have a drachma," Bakura huffed, kicking a clump of the sand.

Marik sighed. "I thought you were a thief. Can't you just steal one?"

"How many people do you think carry _drachmas _around on their persons? You'd be more likely to find one laying in the sand than in a person's pocket."

Marik pressed his fist to his chin, a thoughtful look on his otherwise clueless face. He took several deliberate steps into the barren wasteland, stopped, bent over, and disrupted a mound of sand. Something shone below his hand, and Bakura trudged over to scrutinize his find. Marik picked it up and held it out to Bakura, who tilted his head 20 degrees in confusion. "Is that a gravy dish?"

In explanation, Marik rubbed the side of it, and a purple wisp billowed from the spout. Ghost Nappa appeared before them, stretched, and sang, "_I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. Gotta rub me the right way –"_

"Nope. Not what I wanted," Marik declared, tossing the lamp carelessly behind his shoulder and returning to the pile of sand.

Bakura gaped at him. "Did you really just throw a genie lamp down? We could have wished our bodies apart, you stupid diva."

Marik ignored him, continuing to dig in the sand. Bakura stomped off in the direction he'd thrown the genie. "Aha!" Marik exclaimed at last, thrusting a golden coin into the air. "Bakura, I've found the drachma. Come here so we can be on our way already."

Bakura returned with the genie bottle in hand. "I think I like this alternative much better. You call whoever you need to. Just give me half an hour to write up a contract so this genie can't trick us with any loopholes. Bloody loopholes are what got me into this in the first place." He headed back inside the airport, leaving Marik no choice but to follow him. "But Bakura, the plan was to see the guy Melvin and I know. If we use the genie, we wasted a perfectly good plan. Bakura? Are you even listening to me?"

Bakura put in his ear buds and sat down at a picnic table. He pulled out a pen and paper and began writing out his loophole-less contract with the Ghost Nappa. Marik sat down and laid his head on the table. He soon fell asleep to the sound of pen scratching paper. Bakura looked over and noticed that Marik was unconscious, so he decided to have a little fun with it. He took his ear buds out and stuck one in Marik's ear, then scrolled to the song "Glad You Came [Karaoke Version]" by The Wanted. Grinning malevolently, he set to work on his new project.

In Marik's dream, the realm was black with misty ribbons of purple and small dots of brown that reminded him far too much of Bakura's eyes. Then one winked at him, coaxing him to his knees where suddenly he was on a deep-crimson area rug. A smirking pair of familiar lips appeared below the pair of eyes, followed shortly by the face from all of his dreams. And then Bakura's face began to sing with Bakura's voice:

"_Your head goes down.  
My face comes out.  
And all you know  
Is what I say.  
Your innocence will never be again.  
I said I'd win._

_You cannot ignore me, ignore me.  
You will do what I ask just for me, just for me.  
You know your lack of listening tore me, it tore me.  
And now I'll punish you where they can't see, you and me._

_Put your hands up now  
Now you put them on my face  
Face the facts – you won't win  
When my sweet embrace  
Embraced you around the neck  
Necking won't save your hide  
Hide your arms in my side  
Side with me, I can buy  
Buy you happiness."_

When Marik woke up, his stomach was quivering and he had the bizarre scent of burning rubber in his nose. He looked over at Bakura, who was dutifully scrawling on the paper as he had been when Marik fell asleep. "How long was I out?" he grumbled as he wiped at his eyes.

"Forty-eight minutes. I'm almost finished with the contract." He wrote three more sentences, blew the ink on his paper dry, and declared, "Perfect. Alright, let's talk to the genie." Bakura banged on the side of the lamp, and Ghost Nappa poured out of the spout once more, holding his head and scowling.

"My ears are ringing. You could be a little more polite, since I'm going to fulfill your wishes and all."

"I just have two wishes," Bakura said, showcasing the sheet of paper. "First and foremost, I have written out my wish in legal terms, which extends to 40 pages. Either you can read this entire document and then fulfill my first wish, or you can be smart and give me exactly what I want when I ask for it in layman's terms. Which is it?"

Ghost Nappa gulped. "Alright, no funny business. Just make your wish."

Bakura nodded. "I wish that Marik and I had separate bodies from my hikari and his yami. Is that sufficient, or should I go further into detail?"

"That's enough. Your wish is granted." He snapped his fingers, and Bakura and Marik doubled over, wailing in agony. Their bodies began to split like cell mitosis until Ryou and Melvin were laying on the floor next to Marik and Bakura. They stood up together, examining each other. Marik pulled out a mirror and checked to make sure he still looked like himself.

Melvin jerked the mirror out of his hand and did the same, laughing in pleasure when he realized his new body was several inches taller than Marik's. He shook out his hair, grinning in the mirror as it stuck out wildly from his scalp. "I'm perfect!" he cackled.

"My own body – I have my body back!" Ryou gushed, jumping about in excitement and giggling like a schoolgirl.

"My other wish," Bakura said to the genie, "is that I wish all of the Egyptian god cards belong to me."

Ghost Nappa snapped his fingers. "They're in your deck in your pocket. Can you wish me free now?"

Bakura cackled ruthlessly. "How stupid do you think I am? I'm not wishing you free. Rot in a jar, you stupid genie."

"I'll wish you free," Ryou volunteered.

"Ryou, NO!" the other three protested, but it was too late. Ghost Nappa clapped his hands with a loud BOOM! and Ryou disappeared in a puff of smoke. Nappa, no longer in ghost form, shot out the door and into the sun with a wild howl of merriment, leaving the lamp on the picnic table without another thought to it.

Melvin cradled the lamp, rubbed it lovingly, and a translucent vision of Ryou emerged from the spout. "What happened?" Ryou asked timidly.

"Ryou, you never wish a genie free," Marik chastised, "When you set one free, you have to take its place. Don't you watch Charmed?"

Ryou shook his head, crumbling to his ghostly tail. Melvin stared at him with despondent eyes. "We'll find a way to get you out, Ryou, I swear." He hugged the rusty lamp to his chest.

Marik fished the drachma out of his pocket and handed it to Melvin. "The guy, remember. He'll know what to do, I bet. Give him a call."

Melvin took the coin gratefully and led them to the pay phone outside the terminal. He slid it into the coin slot and pressed the receiver to his ear. The nasally voice on the other end replied, "No calls are being accepted at this time." The coin shot out of the machine and the dial tone went dead.

* * *

**A/N: Dun dun DUN!1! Will Melvin be able to rescue Ryou? Will Nappa be brought to justice for what he's done? And will someone please tell me who the heck this guy they know is? Find out in the next chapter of "Bakura Writes A Song."**


	12. Mister Egyptian Pie

_Disclaimer: OMR, fangirls! Quit trying to glomp me. I'm not stealing the rights to your precious anime._

**A/N: I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for a long time, so you better enjoy it or I'll cry deeply and demand a refund. Also, once you finish, please go to my profile page and vote in my poll about my upcoming fanfic.**

* * *

Bakura and Marik sat in their dimly lit hotel room, straining their brains to come up with a successful plan to free Ryou from the genie lamp. Ryou, exhausted from the stress of losing his body once again, was taking a nap inside the lamp. The fourth member of their party had disappeared several hours ago.

Suddenly, Melvin stormed into the room with a boom box, the music to Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" blaring from the speakers. He started singing:

"_I'm bringing Ryou back.  
That Nappa fool won't get any slack  
When I wail on him with a baseball bat.  
You think I'm violent, I'll give proof of that._

_Ryou, babe,  
You rest your sweet head.  
Nappa's head will cave;  
Nobody makes a friend of mine a slave.  
Scold me tomorrow for how I'll behave."_

Abruptly, Melvin paused the song and blew out of the room, the wind from his departure messing up the other boys' hair. They looked at each other, looked at Ryou's lamp, looked through the open door, looked back at each other, and simultaneously sighed in relief that neither of them were Nappa.

…

Nappa was frolicking through the dunes amongst the disintegrating runes of an ancient city, content in his assumption that nobody could find him, no matter who they were or how thoroughly they looked. But Nappa was a fool to think he could outsmart Melvin, for at that moment, Melvin was beside him, setting his boom box down on a slate and pressing the play button. He took hold of Nappa's head as he continued his song:

"_Come here fool  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Give into me  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
RIP  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Blood runs free  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Now you see who you're screwing with  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Blue for your lips  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Die, make me smile  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
You lived a while  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Or free my Ryou now  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Free my Ryou now  
Stop fighting and die quickly  
Free my Ryou now –"_

"Alright," Nappa panted, going limp, "I'll wish him free. Just don't kill me."

Melvin dug his blood-drenched nails into Nappa's scalp, paused his song, and hoisted the boom box back over his shoulder. He pulled Nappa's face up to his line of vision and snarled, "Now come with me, and I'll leave you alone once you've finished your job." He dragged the oaf back across the desert and toward civilization.

…

Bakura jerked awake when he heard the distinct sound of someone dragging a partially conscious body down the hall and up to his door. A second later, Melvin demanded, "Let me in, Bakura." Without hesitation, he unlatched the door and opened it for Melvin, who yanked a bloody, sobbing giant into the room and threw him down on the floor. Nappa crawled up to Marik, who had just reentered the room, and wrapped his arms around the bewildered Egyptian's legs.

Marik kicked out of his grasp. "Gross! You're getting blood all over my skinny jeans! You bumbling fool; do you really think I would show you any mercy after what you did to my friend?"

Nappa cowered in the center of the room. Melvin sat down the scathed boom box and hit the play button. He finished his song:

"_I brought this loser back.  
His skull is fractured and his blood is black.  
Wish Ryou free or be flayed for a sack,  
Or I'll feed you to the jackals for a snack._

_Nappa, fool,  
You better listen.  
I'll take you to school  
Where I will teach you how I can be cruel.  
Wish Ryou free, your blood's starting to pool."_

Nappa stretched a trembling arm out to the genie lamp and choppily stroked the metal. Ryou billowed out of the spout, yawned, and looked down on the scene. He leapt back in fear at the sight of the beaten enslaver on the floor. Speaking through his sobs, Nappa cried, "I wish you free."

Without any lag, Nappa erupted in smoke and Ryou reformed before them. Ryou blinked, stretched his fleshy arms, and skipped around the small room in glee, landing at last in Melvin's arms. He laced his arms around Melvin's neck and pulled him into a grateful kiss, his eyes sealing themselves nimbly while his lips became engrossed in another pair of lips which responded with the like.

Bakura and Marik stepped quietly around their copies and fled in search of another, unoccupied room. Melvin and Ryou continued to kiss, the rest of the world having no relevance to them now. They parted unwillingly, holding each other closely, intimately, until the realization that they had a plane to catch dawned on them. They joined hands, glided out of the room, and hurried back to the terminal.

* * *

**A/N: And now my life is complete! Yay! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this story – if you do want more chapters, please shoot me a message explaining where you'd like to see it go. This is Bob the Flying Monkey signing off.**


	13. Sweet Mel o' Mine

_Disclaimer: If I had a banana for every Yu-Gi-Oh copyrights I owned, I would be one unhappy monkey._

**A/N: In lieu of several messages and comments, I am continuing this story until I can find a better stopping point. This will be good as it will annoy my boyfriend, which will teach him a valuable life lesson via endless updates. Mwahahahaha!**

* * *

The studio apartment was dark and quiet for all of negative 3 seconds before Melvin burst through the door, followed closely by Ryou, who was followed by Bakura and Marik. "So are we taking the bed or the pull-out couch?" Melvin asked as soon as he returned from the bathroom.

Bakura scowled as he crossed his arms. "You are not staying here. You have your own bodies now – find yourselves an apartment to share and leave us the hell alone."

"Now Bakura," Marik scolded, "It's late and our guests just got back from a very exhausting, transcontinental trip. I think we could put them up for one night. Besides, you wouldn't be saying this if you weren't so grouchy from your lack of sleep. Go and curl up on your pillow. I'll get the sheets for the pull-out couch."

Bakura groaned in defeat and stomped into his bedroom. "If you want them to stay, you better put out tomorrow."

"Put out tonight," Melvin suggested, nudging Marik. He hooked his boom box into the outlet and began browsing through the local radio stations. "Ah, yes! The Karaoke Station; my favorite. Let's see if they have any good songs I can parody. And since it is after 4 am, I will be able to make stuff up off the top of my head without lag. Ryou, come join me."

"Um, okay." Ryou sat down cross-legged beside his boyfriend and waited for a familiar song to pop up.

"Calling all duelists. Calling all duelists. If you are a duelist and have a significant other who is also a duelist, then you need to get your butts down to Pier 106 for the first annual couples tournament!"

"Friggin' commercials," Melvin cursed. "As if anyone would want to duel in pairs."

"Sunbathing, soul mating, and snow cones! We've got it all."

"Snow cones! We are going on that cruise."

The advertisement ended, and "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem started playing. "Oh, I know this one!" Ryou exclaimed, and began singing:

"_Just gonna sit here and sing a song  
And hope my boyfriend doesn't keep me up for long.  
Just gonna lay down and fall asleep  
And dream about my Melvin murdering the sheep.  
He should sing me to sleep."_

Then Melvin took over:

"_I can't tell you what I really feel;  
I can only sing you a lullaby.  
And somehow I wanna cuddle you tonight.  
I can't dream without dreaming about your face.  
And that's twice it feels nice to sink into your grace.  
High off your love, drunk from your smile;  
I know it's not my style, but I love you the more we sit here, let's sit a while.  
And right before you lay your head down, I will not deny you  
My hugs, sweet Ryou; yes, I love you.  
Wait, what you doing?"_

Ryou: _"I'm sleeping, boo."_

Melvin: _"No, you can't. Wake up. I'm not finished yet.  
Here we go again.  
I am insane, but when I'm holding you, I'm holding fate;  
I'm calmer then, like the wind took a nap; you cleared my slate.  
But when you're gone, I'm crazy. You will never let me snap.  
What's that mean? You are all I'll ever need.  
You're asleep on me, curled in my arms under my chin.  
And now I'm falling fast again."_

Melvin's voice faded as he closed his eyes and passed out on the floor with Ryou nestled in his arms. Marik quietly turned the radio off and crept into his bedroom, slipped under the sheets, and drug Bakura into the middle of the bed where he proceeded to snuggle with the bemused Brit. And at long last, the Ishtar-Bakura clan had peace.

* * *

**A/N: And now it's 5 in the morning. I think I'll go to bed soon. Next chapter will be a sing-off, as suggested by lizy42100. Thanks for the ideas and comments, everyone!**


	14. Wake Me Up When Deathshipping Ends

_Disclaimer: Seeing as I am insane and therefore could never legally work with children, kids toys, or other products associated with people younger than I, I must not own _Yu-Gi-Oh.

**A/N: I don't have anything cleaver to write here tonight, so we'll get straight to the point. **

* * *

It was 10 am when Ryou awoke and realized he was in the arms of another man; a handsome, bronze guardian-angel of a man, but still a man. _Oh, if Kisara found out,_ he thought to himself, unraveling from Melvin's embrace, _I mustn't disappoint the only family that still cares for me. I have to skip town._ Silently, Ryou crept across the apartment, inched open the door, and turned to look at his savior sleeping peacefully on the floor one last time before fleeing into the streets.

The click of the door sealing itself did not rouse Melvin, who was having a pleasant dream involving Ryou, bubble wrap, and a hollowed-out refrigerator. However, Marik's horrible screeching voice thirteen minutes later did bring him into full consciousness, and he tore through the den looking for the boy he'd fallen asleep with. When he was sure Ryou wasn't hiding under any of the furniture, he flew into the kitchen and demanded of Marik, "Where is Ryou?!"

Marik jumped, sending the omelet in his frying pan flying into the air and splattering on the low ceiling. Yellow goo rained down between the twins, and Marik side-stepped to avoid getting any in his hair. "How should I know? I was with Bakura all night. He is my boyfriend, not Ryou. Ryou is your boyfriend."

Irrational fury suddenly flared in Melvin's irises, and he barreled into their bedroom. Bakura was standing in front of the wardrobe, the entire back of his naked body in full display for Melvin to see. Melvin immediately shielded his eyes, slamming a hand over his face before demanding, "What have you done with your hikari?"

Bakura shut the wardrobe and laid his clothes out on the bed, yet made no move to put them on. "Why would I bother with him? I have your hikari to amuse me."

Melvin snarled, lashing out blindly with his foot and managing to nail the Brit right in the groin. Bakura howled in pain, going down onto his knees and face-planting into the carpet.

"What's with all the screaming – OH MY RA!" Marik rushed to Bakura's side and stooped over him. He snapped his head around and glared at Melvin, "What did you do?"

"He wouldn't tell me where Ryou is."

"I don't bloody know where he is," Bakura groaned, "He probably ran away from you, and I don't blame him."

"Take it back, you miserable fool!" Melvin roared. "Ryou loves me – I know it."

"Ryou is afraid of you," Bakura continued, pulling himself to his feet. He brushed Marik off and started dressing. "The only reason he pretended to like you is because you gave him his body back. But now that he's all himself, he doesn't need you anymore." He clicked on his old Karaoke machine, which emitted the music to "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, and began to sing:

"_Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  
Caught in a bad romance.  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  
Caught in a bad romance._

_Ry-ry-you-ou-ou-ou.  
Ryou, Ryou-you-you.  
Ra-Ra-ooh-ha-ha.  
Gonna regret this._

_Ry-ry-you-ou-ou-ou.  
Ryou, Ryou-you-you.  
Ra-Ra-ooh-ha-ha.  
Gonna regret this._

_He thinks you're ugly  
And that you have flees.  
He doesn't want someone  
Who laughs when he bleeds.  
He wants to run;  
Run-run-run, he wants to run._

_You killed your father,  
Have blood on your hands.  
One corny love song and a kiss in the sand  
Won't win his love.  
Love-love-love –  
Can't get his love.  
Love-love-love; can't have his love._

_You know he can't love you,  
So just give up on Ryou.  
He's innocent, and you'll ruin that._"

Melvin cut in:

"_I'll give him love and  
Forget the revenge.  
Ry and me could have a good romance."  
_[Bakura]: "_No-oh-oh no-oh!"_

[Melvin]: _"I'll give him love and  
Give up on the revenge.  
Ry and me could have a good romance._

_Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  
Give him a good romance.  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  
Give Ry a good romance."_

Bakura:

"_Ha ha hahaha-a!  
Mwaha-mwaha-ha-ha!  
Ha-ha-mwa-ha-ha!  
You call that romance?_

_Your fav'rite horror  
Movie is your life.  
You shop for body-bags.  
Your pillow's a knife.  
Death is your love.  
Death-death-death, Death is your love._

_You are a psycho;  
Ryou is a saint.  
Your temper is dangerous;  
It makes him faint.  
You'll kill his soul.  
Soul-soul-soul  
His heart and soul.  
Kill-kill-kill his heart and soul."_

Melvin:

"_You're no better than me.  
(Don't be such a bitch, Florence.)  
And you know I'd care for him.  
I love Ry and he loves me._

_I have more love than  
Ten of you could fake.  
You define having a bad romance.  
Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh.  
If you think love is  
What you have with Marik,  
I could teach you how to cure your ways._

_Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  
You're in a bad romance.  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  
This is a bad romance."_

Marik clicked off the machine abruptly. "This sing-off has been great, but I think I know where Ryou went."

Melvin snapped to attention, completely forgetting Bakura's subplot. "Tell me."

"He probably got home-sick and went down to the pier to stare at the ocean." The two Yami's raised their brows incredulously, so Marik explained himself. "All I know is that whenever I need to clear my head and remember my roots, I take a trip to the docks and stare out across the horizon. I think about Egypt and how I –"

"Don't care," Melvin interrupted him, whirling around and breezing through the door, his cape billowing behind him.

Bakura and Marik watched him leave without a word. They remained silent for a few minutes. Then Marik rushed into the kitchen, yelling, "I left the stove on!"

Bakura picked up the mail Ryou had been nice enough to bring in last night when they returned from their flight. He tore open a bright blue envelope and pulled out two tickets. He threw back his head and cackled loudly. Then he shouted through the kitchen door, "Hey, Marik. Want to go on a cruise?"

* * *

**A/N: Shout Out to lizy42100 for the inspiration for this chapter, and Shout Out to TheAverIn and kanna-chan94 for suggesting the song.**


	15. Hello Goodbye

_Disclaimer: I'm too busy not having a work ethic to have written _Yu-Gi-Oh.

**A/N: This is the last chapter. Indulge, enjoy, and read the not-so-subtly-tied-together sequel "Your Cruise Ship Plays Card Games in Hell."**

* * *

"Hey, Bakura," Marik began as he was closing his suitcase in preparation for the cruise, "How do you feel about song parodies?"

"Ra dammit, I thought we were finished with this nonsense," Bakura growled, throwing his knife down on the desk with a metallic clang.

"You've only yourself to blame, Fluffy," Marik defended, pulling up YouTube, "If you had finished my 'Boyfriend' song parody, we wouldn't even be in this crummy apartment. We would've been on that cruise ship casting off in about an hour. But if we hurry, we can still make it, so –" Marik was interrupted by his mobile phone, which he pulled out of his pocket and answered with an irritated, "Whose world needs destroying now?" He fell silent for a total of three seconds, then snapped, "Screw you, Ishizu!" and snapped his flip phone shut. He tossed it in a drawer and returned to Bakura, "Now, pay attention; I worked very hard on this."

"As I've been reminded every time I try to listen to this," Bakura sighed, watching Marik scroll through YouTube until he found his parody. Marik clicked on the video and then sat down on the bed, watching his boyfriend intently to gauge his reaction. As before, Bakura listened to the first and second verses with mild nostalgia tinged with irritation. Marik-in-the-video finished the part that had gotten them in all this deathshipping trouble, and continued with the following:

_"I'd like to be anyone you want.  
Bakura, I'm gay for you._

_If I was your boyfriend, glomp you in the snow.  
Break the fourth wall with you, or kill Yugi Moto.  
I can be your worst nightmare, if you're into that.  
If I was your boyfriend, I'd eff you on a boat, I'd eff you on a boat._

_Let's wear leather pants cuz you'd look hot in them.  
Or we could go naked since you look hotter without them.  
Let's be vampires (let's be vampires) , kill all the smelly girls  
As long as you only suck me-e."_

Suddenly, the power went off and the computer shut down. "Oh, for Ra sake!" Marik cried in frustration. He crossed his arms and huffed, "Is the world conspiring against me, or something? This is the third time you haven't finished the song."

"And I never will," Bakura declared, grabbing Marik's arm and their suitcase. "We're going to miss the cruise if we don't leave now, and I'm not missing out on this perfect opportunity to screw with Melvin and Ryou's relationship."

"Fluffy, why are you so insistent on torturing them? What did they ever do to you?"

Bakura smirk, an evil glint flashing like flames across his eyes. "I just want to watch the world burn." That said, he pulled his lover out of the apartment, down the stairs, and away toward the cruise ship.

Minutes after they'd sailed away on their cruise ship headed for victory (and snow cones), the power came back on, and Marik's song parody finally finished itself:

_"If I was your boyfriend (boyfriend), put you on my show.  
Take you on a cruise, boy, my sister booked for us (sister booked for us).  
I will wash your armpits and (armpits and) suck on your big toe.  
If I was your boyfriend (boyfriend) and you finished this song, I would marry you."_

But alas, Bakura would never finish the song, and so would never marry Marik.

**The End**

* * *

**A/N: After careful consideration, I may recant that last sentence.**

**P.S.: Read "Your Cruise Ship Plays Card Games In Hell" because it is the unofficial sequel. Sadly, there will be more deathshipping than thiefshipping in it. Gladly, there will also be more snow cones. And in the end, isn't that what really matters?**


End file.
